The award if you’ll notice has been slowly gaining in meaningfulness since it’s inception, and this time is no different. This award is without question our most important. And along with that distinction, there is another. The GABE DOWNEY GENIUS OF THE MONTH AWARD has also been redesigned, and has a new co-signer, the brilliant and beautiful LuLu LaRue. So, without further ado, this months winner of the GABE DOWNEY GENIUS OF THE MONTH AWARD IS: JESSICA AHLQUIST!

Jessica (as any of you who’ve read the post below will know) spearheaded a legal battle against her school that refused to take down an unconstitutional Christian-based prayer banner. And despite her victory, she has received threats of violence, hate speech and a disgusting display of immaturity thrown her way by people who wouldn’t know the meaning of morality if it’s definition was printed on a banner and hung up in a school for 50 years. So, in honor of Jessica’s brave and humble nature, we have found it appropriate to honor her with the GABE DOWNEY GENIUS OF THE MONTH AWARD, for not only recognizing the wrong, but facilitating the solution.

So Jessica, in honor of everything you’ve done, we present you with this award. Common sense and true American values won the day at Cranston West High School because of you. Congratulations and god bless you! (Get it?)

CONGRATULATIONS JESSICA!

(Want to really show Jessica your appreciation for her sacrifice? Donate to her scholarship generously held in trust by the American Humanist Association over at the Friendly Atheist)

Jessica goes to school in Rhode Island, at Cranston West, and hanging in the school for god knows how many years (you’ll be roaring at that pun in a moment) is a prayer banner. Now, obviously this banner has no place in a school that is run by the United States Government, we all know the importance of the separation of church and state. And much like when Josh and I argued with the school board vice president to get a catholic based abstinence presentation changed from mandatory to optional at our high school, Jessica took on the responsibility personally to change something that wasn’t right. She fought long and hard, created a Facebook group to get her message out and finally she took her fight to the court system. And, she won.

So, the good side won. This matter is over, right? Jessica can go back to being a normal high schooler, right? Wrong. What has come up in the short time since her decision is an HORRIFIC backlash of the religious zealots in this country and their response to Jessica. So overwhelmingly horrible are this comments that you can see how seriously these people take themselves as Christians. In lieu of posting these comments here, instead I invite you over to JESUSFETUSFAJITAFISHTICKS who’ve done a great job amassing them as screenshots. These people are sad examples of human decency and perhaps the most disappointing thing is that considering the source, it’s not so surprising.

And worse than their defense of their religion is that they clearly have NO understanding about what our rights are as Americans. We are lucky to have been born in this country, and these people take the ability to speak freely for granted.  The constitution and bill of rights are there to protect the interest of the minority AGAINST the majority, not the other way around. We stand up for what is right in this country, even if we are standing alone. Jessica stood up for what is right, but she isn’t alone. She stands with the forefathers of America who believed that her voice mattered as much as the powerful Christian wing of this country. Having a prayer banner in schools is wrong, and regardless of how many threats you make against the brave girl who decided to do something about it, it won’t change that fact.

If I were a real Christian, I would be embarrassed at how these people are furthering the notion that hypocrisy, not morality, reigns supreme in religion. Jessica earns the win not only for the removal of the prayer banner, but also for exposing these people for what they really are: self serving, ignorant hypocrites who threaten a young girl with violence and eternal damnation. Lovely.

I looked up death in the dictionary one day
just to see what the dictionary had to say
it’s the complete and irreversible cessation of life functions

Which is not very poetic but it’s precise and clean
and if you analyze it what that means is
when they’re gone, they’re gone.

American history is so full of intolerance and hatred it’s almost as if the American pastime isn’t Major League Baseball, but Major League Bigotry (hey, at least we get to keep the initials). We as a nation have ostracized and killed the people who looked differently or believed differently than we do since the minute those buckle-wearing thanksgivers got off the boat. First it was the Native Americans, than the African Americans (who were still Africans at that time), and we can’t forget women, Jews, and even people whom we thought might possess witch-like powers. Jesus, could we have been any more ridiculous?

The only nice thing about any of these horrific stains on our flag is that it gave many brave and right-minded people the chance to do the right thing. Whatever tragedy of human rights and tolerance came up, there were always people, a small minority at first, eventually growing into a vast majority, who decided enough was enough and they put their time and efforts into fighting for the just side. Whatever prejudice the American mind has thought up throughout our rocky history, someone with a smarter American mind has helped eliminate and reverse. That is a true American virtue. Union soldiers are true Americans. Suffragettes are true Americans. Those who marched for civil rights are true Americans. Janice Daniels is not.

Who is Janice Daniels? She’s the mayor of Troy. And a couple of weeks ago it came out that she made a derogatory comment on her Facebook page about gay marriage and New York City. Presumably to show off her vast vocabulary and good judgement, she even used a slur to refer to homosexuals. When it comes down to it, Janice Daniels is stupid. She is stupid for feeling the way she does and she is stupid for posting it on Facebook, especially as a public servant, and not thinking that maybe it will upset people.

Regardless of how many times she apologizes or tries to explain, the facts are really quite simple. This is how Janice Daniels really feels about homosexuals. She’s a bigot. She didn’t think posting something like that on Facebook was a big deal because, to her, the whole issue isn’t a big deal. She doesn’t see that it’s wrong to be a bigot. And that’s what she is. Janice Daniels is a bigot. And she’s the mayor of Troy, Michigan. This is who the people of Troy elected. This is what happens when you vote for the Tea Party instead of voting for someone who has an idea of what they are doing.

The sad thing is Troy is a vibrant and diverse community. There are smart people all over the place. Hell, I know first hand there are even some really smart people on the city council who have to endure sitting next to Janice Daniels. They don’t deserve this backlash. They don’t deserve this stupidity. But this is what happens when people aren’t responsible. This is what happens when you elect a bigot who doesn’t understand the “social” aspect of social media. When she apologizes, she’s not sorry for saying what she said, she’s sorry for being caught saying what she really feels. She should be recalled on IQ alone.

Janice Daniels should be removed from office, and I believe she will be (probably voluntarily). Everyday that she wields the power of mayor, we show the rest of the country and the world that hating Gay and Lesbian people is still okay in this state. Why can’t we learn from our past? Why can’t we be the generation of the majority who takes a stand and says, “this is not okay”? Why are we doomed to repeat the same mistakes? Unfortunately, and truthfully, if she had made this comment about Jews or African Americans, she would have been out of office a long time ago. It’s our society’s tolerance of this public bigotry and hatred of homosexuals that is shocking and unacceptable. Gay and Lesbians are the last group that it is okay to hate out in the open and this whole fiasco is proof. We’re repeating the same pattern yet again and it’s tragic.

People are allowed to believe what they want to believe. But when you can’t express your feelings without using a slur against a group of people, you’re a bigot. Janice Daniels is a bigot and she’s the mayor of Troy. What an embarrassment.

Well, today was one of those days. It started off pleasant enough until I had to take a drive and realized that my back right tire was a little low on air. I decided to take it up to a local mechanic who owns an independent gas station to assess the problem. Before I get into what happened let me say this: I don’t know dick about cars. But I do know how to put air in my tires. What I was after, however, was a little bit more of an in-depth look at the tire. And granted, even though I know how to put air in my tires, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t know what PSI each tire should be at (which in retrospect I could have easily Gooogled. Is PSI even the right unit of measurement?) and I certainly don’t want to touch my grimey-ass tire out with no place to wash my hands. So, like any good American, I was willing to pay someone else to do this for me, thus supporting a local business and getting what I needed done, done.

Now, I had been to this place before to have things looked at. I’ve had my fluids checked and changed and even my tires rotated there. My family goes there, my friends go there. Heck, even my friend’s families go there. This wasn’t my first encounter with this mechanic, but lord knows it will be my last. Every other time he has been nothing but nice, and I don’t know what changed but today, the only nice part of this experience was pulling away fuming in anger. Let me set the scene:

I pulled into with the intention to get gas as well as have my tire looked at and without realizing it, parked my car at a pump marked “Full Service.” Now, normally I would have moved it no problem, but looking around me and realizing there were probably more customers at an all you can eat ipecac buffet, I figured I was probably okay. Besides, I wanted this guy to check out my tire to see what was wrong. So, I pull in and open my car door and out from the garage comes a look of distain from the mechanic.

Me: Is it okay if I just stay here? I’ll pump gas then I need you….

Mechanic: No no no! You have to move it.

He starts waving his hand like he’s shooing a fly away from his face. So, ignoring this initial foreboding omen, I decide to pull to a “Self Serve” pump. Besides, my intent is to self serve my gas anyway. I get out and pump $10 worth of petroleum into my tank. I get a weird sense of satisfaction giving my gas money to a local businessman instead of a BP or Shell station (as if he’s somehow not buying it from the same thieves and crooks who control the whole oil business and who ruined the Gulf Coast). I finish pumping and walk inside and politely wait as the mechanic is on the phone, presumably ordering parts for the overpriced sports car being worked on on the giant car hydraulic lift thing. So I wait, but he insists on covering the telephone with his hand and talking to me.

Mechanic: What is it that you want?

This wasn’t in too rude of a tone, more like he was trying to be quiet as to not interrupt his phone conversation. Still though, I can’t stand talking to someone when you don’t have their full attention. I tried to keep it short.

Me: Uh…I think I need some air in my tires…

Mechanic: (Cutting me off) What? You don’t know how to do that?

Me: (Surprised) Yeah, I do know how to do that, I just thought maybe you should look at it.

Mechanic: (Large sigh) Just go wait and pump your gas and I’ll meet you out there.

Now his tone is beginning to change to one of annoyance. I don’t really appreciate this as I am just inquiring about him possibly helping me. I completely plan on paying if he’s going to charge me. I ignore his ‘tude and keep talking.

Me: I already got some gas, I’ll just go wait by the car.

So I leave his little shop/office/heap and go wait in the brisk fall breeze next to my car. I watch him through the window hang up his phone, and talk to his other mechanic. He picks up the phone and makes another phone call and continues to presumably shoot the breeze with his other mechanic (or maybe they were discussing parts, I don’t know). All I know is he keeps looking out at me, never gesturing to make sure I knew he was concerned about my business or my well being. Suddenly, his voice comes over the old-fashioned loud speaker set up into each pump, startling me.

Mechanic: I thought you said you were going to get some gas.

Me: I did already (speaking out loud in the hopes that he can hear me).

Mechanic: How much did you buy?

Now I don’t know, but I felt this question was kind of inappropriate. What does it matter how much I bought? Aren’t I a customer? Didn’t I chose to come to you as to support your local business? I didn’t appreciate his attitude.

Me: Ten dollars.

Which granted, that isn’t a huge amount of money to spend, but shit is tight right now. I’m willing to bet there are more $10 gas purchases right now than full tanks being bought. Besides, this was $10 in his businesses pocket and out of mine.

After a large, audible sigh through the speaker, I watched him walk out from behind his desk, say something casually to the other mechanic and then walk through the front door towards me. At this point, I wasn’t thrilled with how I was being treated and decided I really wasn’t going to take it anymore. I wasn’t going to be rude but god dammit, I did not deserve to be talked to and treated this way. As he approached me, he started half yelling as to drown out the street noise.

Mechanic: How long have you been driving this thing, this car?

This “thing?” I thought to myself. Now, my car is no Rolls, but it’s certainly not a “thing.” He was purposely being condescending.

Me: Uh, I don’t know. (I wasn’t quite sure if he was asking what year the car came out, or how long I’d owned it). A bunch of years.

Mechanic: (Cutting me off yet again) And you don’t know how to put air in your tires? You don’t know how to do this? We have a hose right here (he said gesturing to some disgusting, brown stained yellow garden snake looking thing).

Me: No, it’s not that I don’t know how, I just wasn’t sure what the mesaurement should be and I thought maybe you could just take a look at it in case there is something more than just low air.

Mechanic: Here’s what I’ll tell you, you need a new tire. You’ve been driving around like this, you need a new tire. I can’t believe you don’t know how to do this (he was shaking his head left and right as if to show his disgust. My fists were sweating at my side as I clenched them).

He was being now incredibly rude and purposely ignoring what I said. I was never rude, but decided I was going to give him an out, as I’d so clearly annoyed him from what he was supposed to be doing, which I THOUGHT was working on cars and servicing customers.

Me: Look man, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to do it. It’s not a big deal (I said half laughing).

Mechanic: NO! It’s not that I don’t want to do it, I mean you’ve been waiting here for a while and everything it’s just, you need a new tire and you need to know how to put air in your tire.

It was like listening to a broken record. I get it, I need a new tire, I don’t know how to put air in my tire (even though I do clearly know how to do it, as I had said a bunch of times). At least he had filled my tire during our little conversation and mind you, didn’t even bother using a gauge. He just eyed it so he could get it done and get back inside to his fellow mechanic and talk about the fat-shit who didn’t know how to put air into his tire. I stood flabbergasted and eyed him as he wrapped the hose back up (and by wrapped it back I mean threw it back between the “Full Service” pumps), he threw his hands up in the air, not even looking at me and walked back to his little shop.

Mechanic: Get a new tire, that’s all I can tell you today.

His tone was as horrid as it’s ever been, dismissing me like I was a piece of shit he’d just scraped off of his shoe. I laughed out loud as he walked away from me, trying to go over in my head what had just happened. I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed, and I couldn’t believe I had given this man a dime of my money. I was appalled. I got in my car and drove away and decided, god damn, people are rude.

To top it all off, later I was driving on the freeway to the vets office because one of my top six favorite kitties in the world wasn’t feeling so well and some crazy woman with a cell phone attached to her ear almost rearended me because apparently going 86 miles an hour wasn’t fast enough for her. So, she whipped around me and I played my favorite game called “teach this asshole a lesson,” and I sped up as to now allow her to pass me and to trap her behind the car in front of her. After a minute or two, cellphone still in hand and on ear, she whipped back behind me almost taking out my taillight. Our cars were so close we might as well have been Blue Angels, but an angel she was anything but. I looked back in my rearview and she’s sputtering some incoherent and inaudible string of obscenities. The best part is though, she was doing it from behind me. So suck it,toots. Learn to drive.

Life sometimes has a way of making us all feel like Job, a bunch of stupid random things going wrong at once for no apparent reason, testing our faith in humankind. We have to realize though that sometimes the odds supersede karma and things go wrong just because they can. However, it doesn’t take more than a sincere appreciative thank you from a young mother whom you held the door for at the vets office to make you realize that things aren’t so bad, and perhaps those who treated you poorly were having shit thrown at them this day as well. But, we learn to move on and move past and enjoy the good things that do come our way. It’s all part of life. The best thing I can do is take my business elsewhere.

I think perhaps the most important question is: what is it that actually defines our happiness? Is happiness something tangible, a feeling that we can absorb from acquiring things? Or is happiness a mindset, or a style of living? There are so many products and places that offer to boost our happiness or improve our everyday lives, but is a quick fix of that nature really possible in terms of having a real impact on our ability to be happy? True happiness seems to be quite rare, yet most people strive and work everyday to try to reach that goal. That doesn’t seem like a very positive percentage. Is it possible we’ve all just been going about it the wrong way? Or perhaps some of us aren’t deserving of the opportunity to be happy? Does happiness only bestow it’s virtues on a select few?

Now I look at the years gone by and wonder at the powers that be.                 I don’t know why fortune smiles on some, and lets the rest go free.

There is a common held belief that nice people tend to finish last, and whether or not you buy into old sayings, I think there is some pretty obvious truth to that one. Whether or not you want to believe it, happiness is almost inherently selfish. Putting what it is that will please you or improve your life before that of what will improve someone else’s is almost the very definition of selfishness. Nice people tend to “finish last” because they put the concerns of others ahead of their own. This lifestyle, when compared with one where we value our own well-being far above anyone else’s, seems so much more noble. But, in the case of improving our own lives, is a lifestyle based on that goal of self pleasure really wrong? It seems that the only solution is a delicate balance.

I think in some way we all seem to fight between our egotistical nature and altruistic sensibilities. So many people sacrifice themselves and their time for the good of others, often putting what it is that would further themselves or improve their lives on the back-burner in order to do for someone else. And sure, there are arguments to be made for charitable and selfless acts improving the quality of life of those performing them as well. Ready for another saying with a good amount of truth to it? No good deed goes unpunished. Those who sacrifice for others, sacrifice their own best interest. And in the case of most of the people who do charitable work that I’ve ever known, they do it because they think it is the right thing to do. There is perhaps no more noble act than to work for the good of someone else. And sure, they get some happiness out of it too. But do we begin to lose ourselves when helping others becomes more important that helping ourselves?

Everywhere you look in this world, there seems to be instances of false happiness. Getting a good deal on a car, eating a certain meal from a fast food restaurant, are just a few of the billions of things shoved down the throat of the consumer with the intended social contract of improving our lives and ultimately improving our abilities to be happy. But the mistake here is the assumption that there is a magic formula for happiness, or that there are somehow only a few things that could make all of us happy. With so many varying peoples on this planet, and even in this very neighborhood, is it really possible that a few things please all of these different people? It doesn’t really make very much logical sense.

Perhaps what has the most influence on our happiness is our dependence on pleasing the opinions of those around us. Almost everything we do in life is with the nagging question of, “what is everyone else going to think?” We care so deeply about the opinions of others, who for the most part have absolutely no affect on our lives, that we end up giving majority control of our well-being to a faceless group of people who don’t want, or deserve that type of power over us. Stepping outside of what the social expectation is for your or your age group and making what lifestyle you think it is that will make you happy, into your reality, is one of the bravest steps one can take. And this certainly isn’t to say that taking into account the opinions and advice of those in your small brain-trust isn’t a worthwhile thing, because it is. These are the opinions that have guided and nurtured the formulation of your own. But it’s usually not those people whom we are worried about judging us, because they rarely do. For whatever reason, we let those whom we don’t respect and don’t value dictate so much in our lives. In an age of everyone knowing everything about everyone instantly with Twitter updates and Facebook news feeds, it takes gall to stand up and realize that your decisions about your life impact you, and to not let outside sources judge you for making them, or even worse, make them for you.

Maybe the time has drawn the faces I recall,                                                  but things in this life change very slowly if they ever change at all.

It seems so selfish, doesn’t it? But the beauty of this life is the variance between all of us, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. We don’t expect the same types of music to appeal to everyone, so why do we expect the same type of lifestyles and goals to? Our society loves to celebrate individuality outwardly, but secretly we want everyone to be the same as us. The sooner we realize that what we want and what we may need personally may differ from what those around us want for us, is the sooner we are on our way to achieving any sort of personal satisfaction and in turn, so semblance of happiness. And the beauty here is that, this isn’t a selfish attitude in the least. You don’t disappoint and dismiss those around you by following the paths that you believe are best, when they may not. By following your heart and your desires responsibly and in good faith, you’re actually honoring those around you by taking what they have taught you and applying it in your own way, to your own life. And those who like the status quo may not always agree with you, but in their own way, they’re just trying to be happy too, by attempting to advise your life to best suit their own. And they’re not selfish for doing that, they’re human.

Life is quite the opportunity, one that we will never get again. Everyday we live is a day we will never get back. And if we’ve learned anything from those who have come before us, it needs to be that pursuing the things that will ultimately make you happy is the only way to go through life. It is with this wide-eyed sense of importance and perseverance that we can turn our deepest and most lofty goals into our proudest achievements. We must start with being true to ourselves. By trusting your instincts and relying on your own judgement, you take the power away from any outside factors with no vested interest that may affect your outcome. You are responsible for your own progression toward being the person you want to be and living the life you want to live. And sure, sometimes things may not work out exactly as planned, but if you’re honest with yourself and doing what you believe deep down is the right thing, failing is not a possibility. Being true to yourself is the only way to honor those who have come before you and equipped you with the tools you need to make the important decisions. You are who you are because of them, so be that person that you know you need to be.

The more you consider it, the more life and happiness really do seem to be about balance. We must learn to juggle our altruistic tendencies with our egotistical desires. If you spend your life trying to please everyone around you, you’ll end up pleasing no one, especially yourself. If you constantly focus on the future, you’ll never enjoy your present. The more we trust ourselves to take what it is we’ve learned in this existence and use it to decide the best course of action for ourselves, the more we’ve grown as human beings. Happiness is a possibility, but it is not an inevitability. The more you put into living the life you want to live, the more you’ll get out of it by living that life. So, find what it is that makes you happy, or what it is you think could make you happy and honor your forefathers by pursuing it. We’ve all been given this indefinite opportunity and there is no way of knowing how long we have, or how many chances we have left to take our first step. Right now, you are existing in the most advanced and evolved moment in human history, doesn’t it seem like the perfect place to start?

Let’s play a game.

Human beings seem to be pretty good at forgetting things that they’ve learned, so this shouldn’t be too difficult. What I want you to do is literally forget everything you’ve ever been told about the origin of life. Forget the Big Bang, forget the fictional story of Creation, forget everything. Forget the Garden of Eden, forget the talking snake, forget everything you know about Evolutionary Biology (this one might be tough for you Mr. Dawkins), forget everything. Now, all you are left with is the world around you as you know it, and your ability to reasonably explain things. You know there is a vast universe and you know this is an overcrowded planet. But you don’t know how we got here. Still, you have to make a choice. Here are your two options:

1. A group of extra terrestrials came from a far off planet and seeded life on earth as we know it millions of years ago, and through the progression of time we became the human beings we are today.

2. An all powerful being whom is all knowing decided he wanted to create human life. So, after creating existence, he created a man, and then from the man created a woman, who was eventually mislead by a snake who could somehow talk(do they ever really explain when he created the snake) and eventually they ate the apple and he banished them from this heavenly garden and they created an entire population of people from their loins only a few short thousand years ago.

Now, don’t forget, we’re still pretending this is the first time we’ve ever heard these stories. So let’s make up our mind. Which makes more sense? Which seems like it actually could have happened?

The answer is both and neither at the same time. Both of those theories seem semi-ridiculous. Why would an alien seed life here and then leave it alone and never reappear? Why would an all powerful being create a beautiful garden but then just because of an apple banish the two human beings he created for an eternity? The point is, neither of these explanations make sense rationally (although, one COULD make the strong argument that feasibility easily favors the first choice). And while they both take faith and a pretty strong non-understanding of science and history to believe, we as a society ostracize the one, and embrace and reward the other. What you’ve just selected between are the basic tenants of the story of creation as told by Scientology and Judea-Christianity. And while one remains a major political and ideological force in this country, the other is lampooned as some sort of egg-headed, science fiction joke that is a cheap punchline for Jay Leno. The reality is, both of these belief systems are ridiculous and for all intents and purposes works of absolute fiction, one by a science fiction writer, and the other by a group of men who wanted to control primitive people. The only difference, as Conor Oberst once eloquently put it, is time.

It’s funny to me how something becomes part of the public consciousness and even after it’s proven false, or becomes vastly outdated, the general public really never can quite get past it. There are so many examples of this throughout history, that one doesn’t have to look far. How many times have psychics been exposed as complete fakes, and yet people still pay money to supposedly talk to their dead relatives? How many people believe that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold carried out the horrific attacks on Columbine because Marilyn Manson told them to through his music (have you noticed how whenever anybody brings up Marilyn Manson, somebody else HAS to comment that “he’s actually a really intelligent person” as if they’re the first person to ever make that analysis? Anyway, back to the examples)? As soon as something becomes part of public consciousness, especially in this country, it seems that a faction of us will always believe it, without so much as a question of it’s validity. Christianity and the creation stories that surround it are perhaps the best example I can give. We have been so brainwashed (and make no mistake, it is brainwash) by the stories of how “God” created the world in six days and rested on the 7th and the Garden of Eden and all of that nonsense that we don’t really question exactly what any of that really means, or exactly how plausible and true it actually is. When you look at it objectively, to say there is an all powerful being who created everything, controls everything and got mad at two people for eating an apple that he created because he told them not to, you can’t help but think, “Wow, that’s pretty insane.” If someone whom had never been exposed to these theories of fairytale were told that millions of people around the world actually believed this and fought and die for it, they would be so far doubled over with laughter that they could tie their own shoes with their teeth. But, the ridiculousness of Judea-Christianity isn’t the point. The point is, that Scientology isn’t any more ridiculous than the religions most of us believe in, although that is far from what the objective observer, who only listening to those in society talk about these two belief systems, would be able to understand.

Scientology is a new religion, dating back only a few decades rather than a few thousand years. And although some people in this world do actually believe the teachings and stories of this science fiction nightmare, most people look at it as a joke, a punchline for everyday people to ostracize the crazies who believe such nonsense. But here’s the real truth: any of the Judea-Christian religions are just as nuts and just as silly and just as childish. People lampoon the idea of an extra terrestrial seeding life on this planet, but worship the idea that an all powerful being who lives in the sky created light and sound one day out of boredom. People scoff at the idea of celebrities paying to achieve a new status in a religion, but gladly empty what little spare earnings them have into the passing bowl every sunday. Folks ostracize the intelligence level and sanity of people who can actively participate in such a money grubbing, brainwashing cult-like atmosphere, but have no problem visiting the Vatican, a city built on the lost fortunes of the general public (not to mention those disgusting excuses for human beings who follow Fred Phelps and protest soldier’s funerals, or the racist southern governors during the civil rights movement, and the countless others who’ve used Christianity as an excuse for their own perversions). People ask “How could they believe such crazy and improbable things?” but then teach their children that one man gathered two of every single species on the planet on a medium sized wooden boat to avoid a flood. The disgusting and shameful hypocrisy here speaks for itself. But if there is one thing religions are not, it is self aware. It’s so much easier to point the finger and laugh at others than it is to look in the mirror and realizing that you’re simply the pot calling the kettle superstitious.

So, don’t think of this as an outright attack on the Judeo-Christian religions, or an all out defense for Scientology. I think they both happen to be childish and pointless. But, the fact that we as a society condemn and constantly mock Scientology as some sort of crazy belief system beyond the realm of rational thinking, is as hypocritical as it gets. All religions are built on superstition and the suspension of rationale, and are all equally silly. It’s funny how when you look back at history and see how many things that were once universally accepted, now seem so ridiculous in nature. Yet, as it did thousands of years ago, religion, Christianity especially, uses the EXACT same methods of fear and self imposed superiority to spread it’s message and agenda to all ends of the globe, targeting the same downtrodden demographics and offering them supposed salvation. The only reason we see these religions as something other than a made up mythological threat to the public understanding of life is because of how long they’ve been beaten into our collective consciousness. These stories of lore seem like they’ve always existed, but the key point here is that they haven’t. These stories that people take to be the word of God are really the words of men, and in the case of the New Testament, men who never even met the man whom they were writing about (40 years after his death).

So, the question is, why has something that has been eclipsed by the institutions of Science and Reason (which are cornerstones of our development as human beings) somehow remained a driving force in our culture, when things like Geocentrism have become ridiculous notions of the past? It’s because we, as a species, are motivated mostly by fear. And fear is religion’s greatest weapon. Why do we allow an institution that has time and time again been proven not only to be false, but dangerously out of date, have such power over all of our free-thinking, reasoning minds? We’ve given up so many silly and childish notions (but in a tribute to Richard Dawkins) why can we not go one notion further? We are better than these things that are holding us back. We are so much more than monthly dues and clasped hands. If you want to believe in some religion, that is your right as a human being. But do it with grace and humility, two virtues that would do us all well to worship. Realize that the thing you insult and mock, is the thing you believe in too, just with different words, and different characters. But, make no mistake, it’s always the same story with religion. It’s just a fairytale that never delivers on it’s promise.

It’s time we start a new chapter on the idea that anything we want to accomplish is a possibility. And while Science may not be able to explain everything yet, the things people have been believing for all of these years have explained nothing. Let’s try putting faith where faith belongs, in other people working toward the greater good. Let’s set our sights on understanding life for how beautiful and wonderful it is, not for what we’re told it should be. To remain strong as a species, we must move forward and evolve. Not in just our physical ability to adapt, but our mental abilities to as well. Understand that you are more than they say you are. You’re not just some nameless on some mailing list somewhere, you are the result of millions of years of progress. And, while there isn’t an all powerful being looking after you, you’re part of something so much bigger than you could ever imagine, and so much more meaningful. We are responsible for ourselves, and to each other. Nothing more, nothing less. As Charles Darwin so eloquently put it “there is grandeur in this view of life.” All we have to do is open our eyes to it.

Sometimes when I sit down to write a piece for From The Looney Bin, I have a couple of ideas in mind and I’m not sure which one should take precedence. Today is one of those days. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of great topics out there to which I’d love to talk about, but sometimes you have to choose just one. And although there have been many floating around my proverbial stream of consciousness today, I believe I’ve narrowed down the choice to three:

1. Dr. Jack Kevorkian died. I could write about this for several reasons, the most important being his message. I was a fan of Dr. Kevorkian, and even though he was eccentric, I think the message that he carried and the debate the he brought to the public consciousness is one that we cannot and must not ignore. A person in suffering’s right to end their own life is just that, a fundamental right. No governing body should be able to legislate pain and suffering, and tell us what we can or can’t do with our own lives. What’s interesting about this issue, is that it divides people’s political beliefs and personal beliefs, which so often fall directly hand in hand. Conservative people whom believe government shouldn’t have power over our personal lives, cannot justify telling private citizens what they can and can’t do medically. However, people who believe in life being sacred or all that other religious mumbo jumbo believe that our lives are not our own to be taking. What an interesting quandary this causes! Lucky for us, we had Jack to show us the way. And he may not have done it especially gracefully, or with complete carful consideration, but he did it with purpose and passion and ignited within the general public an understanding of what is right, and what is wrong. It is our duty now to see that his dreams come to fruition and to do everything we can to aid in the relief of the suffering of our fellow man, even if that means giving them the means to make what is perhaps the biggest decision they will ever face. The decision should be theirs, not ours.

2. I really try never to talk about Sarah Palin. Even if you look back through these blog posts (and why not? You’ve got the time!) she is never somebody I tend to bring up, with a few exceptions. Why, you ask, don’t I bring Sarah Palin up? Because I think the entire idea behind Sarah Palin and the media frenzy surrounding her is insulting. I think the fact that there is even CONSIDERATION of her holding any political office in this country is an absolute insult to intelligent, free thinking people everywhere. She represents something we should abhor in this country, which is the choice to be ignorant. Sarah Palin is purposefully ignorant. And instead of doing what she can to better herself and her knowledge base, she selfishly and deliberately parades her and her cavalcade of imbeciles she calls a support staff out in front of the American people, and insults the history and importance of the office of the President of the United States by thinking that even for one second she has the skills to do the job, or somehow deserves to be there. It is ASTOUNDING that she is even considered a news-maker and I find it to be as offensive as anything in this world that she is constantly and without mercy, shoved in our collective faces.

…that being said here is a video of her attempting to explain Paul Revere.

I’ll give you a moment for your face to un-wince. Have you ever seen anything more pathetic? Have you ever been so offended that a person of this obvious low level of BASIC United States history feels she has the qualifications and capabilities to tell you and your fellow citizens what to do? If that video did not disgust and anger you to a point where you’re pretty sure you just saw steam coming from out of your ears, then maybe you should try voting for her and seeing what this world becomes. I know it’s hard to imagine a shit-hole bigger than the one we’re living in now, but trust me, things could get really worse. Lucky for me, and the rest of the world, she is an absolute non-factor. An embarrassment? Sure. But more importantly, a joke, a stain on the United States flag. But luckily, stains, like fads, fade away. And in time she will be remembered for only the comic relief she provided, and for that, we (and she) should be grateful.

3. But Dr. Kevorkian and Sarah Palin aside (sorry to mention you in the same breath as her, Jack), there is one thing I really want to talk about and that is the Hoveround.

First of all, until I was watching “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” with some friends at 2am last night, I wasn’t even aware that they were still selling these things. But, lo and behold, there were Bernice and Joy, dangerously close to the edge of the Grand Canyon, with the powerful, wind blowing propeller blades of a helicopter mere inches from the white hair of these suddenly independent seniors. A soothing voiced narrator screams over the sound of the helicopter blades, just spinning slow enough as to not force these two off balance ladies over the edge, “Hey! Bernice and Joy, tell everyone which power wheelchair got you to the grand canyon?” and of course Bernice and Joy bring their wrinkled hands to their mouths, exclaiming “Hoveround” in a voice that seems so much more out of panic than it is celebration. In fact, I’m convinced they are actually saying “Help us now! Some dangerous personal motor vehicle company has kidnapped us from our families and put us on the edge of one of the scariest cliffs known to man. And, instead of just filming us with a steadicam, they figured it was a GREAT idea to fly a helicopter above us.” I think the rest was just drowned out.

Outside of Bernice and Joy’s dangerous trip to the edge of eternity, the Hoveround makes bold claims like opening up the world to folks who might not have been able to see it when confined to a normal wheelchair, and also making them less of a hassle because of their new power wheelchair. This is all of course a bold-faced lie. The Hoveround ends up making grandma so much more of a hassle, because now when the family wants to go to the zoo, she no longer has the easily collapsible wheelchair that weights 7 pounds and can be folded up nicely to fit in the trunk. No. Now her son in law hates her even more because she’s got this mammoth motor vehicle for him to lift every time she needs to run out for another gallon of milk. “Do you want me to just pick it up for you while I’m at the store, Mom?” ”No Junior! I want to see the world! The salesman promised me the world!” Fuck you, salesman. Way to ruin my Sunday.

Well, of course Bernice and Joy never end up seeing any more of the world, because the Hoveround makes absolutely nothing more accessible. Actually, the need for constantly being around a power outlet for charging purposes makes things SO much more burdensome. They end up seeing the same things they’ve always seen, like the kitchen, the bathroom, and their son’s back yard on summer holidays. Except, this time, instead of taking a nice comfortable seat on the deck, they’re stuck in the grass and mud, burning out the engine on this $15,000 cousin of a Segway, ruining the afternoon and scaring the neighbor children all because they wanted to selfishly see the god-damn grand canyon. I’ve got a cost saving plan. Why don’t I pull down my pants and I’ll show you a crack like you’ve never seen before? Then, after you finish screaming, you can use your Grabber (which you got as their free gift) to help me navigate pulling my boxer briefs back up to their comfortable position. Then we’ll both suck on horehound flavored candies until the dinner bell rings at 4:45, and we spend the evening hours feeding each other mush.

I think perhaps the most hilarity to come out of the Hoveround is that the man behind the phenomenon is named Tom Kruse. HAHA! God, I wish I’d made that up. But I didn’t. Life is so much more fun when everything is a joke.

So, there we have it, folks. We may have lost an inspiring figure in Dr. Kevorkian, but at least we gained another reason to discredit an embarrassment of a human being, maybe once and for all removing her from our public consciousness. Perhaps what is most interesting in comparing these two media obsessions is that the enormity of what she lacks in intelligence, common sense, knowledge and point, Jack showed us a surplus of tenfold in his morality, sincerity, passion and purpose. There is a lesson to be learned here from both of them, but you’ll have to figure it out on your own because I’M GOING TO THE GRAND CANYON! SEE YA SUCKAS!

You know what this world is missing? Men with balls. Men with big, billionaire, Jewish, New York balls. Luckily for us, we have Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who is leading our country in those categories.

Today, the Republican turned independent Mayor (who only pays himself $1.00 a year, and even has Social Security taken out of it) made a personal impassioned plea the he can not justify the discrimination against our homosexual brothers and sisters, by gay marriage remaining illegal. Mr. Bloomberg brought up some of the points that are never talked about in this argument beautifully. I could never understand how someone who believed in true conservative principles (smaller government, less government interference in personal issues) could ever be against gay marriage, and Mayor Bloomberg made that same point. But the answer to our quandary is simple. Being anti-gay isn’t a conservative principle, nor is it a political stance. Being anti-gay is a moral judgement (which is perhaps the LEAST moral thing one can do) and all it is, is a form of public bigotry that for some reason is still okay in this country. People are mistaken if they think that speaking out against gay marriage is any different than speaking out against Civil Rights. Don’t forget, religion and morality were used as a justification to attempt to keep African Americans from being able to enjoy equal rights in this country, too.

The truth is: gay marriage will be legal in the near future and it will be long overdue. And regardless of all of this ridiculous and bigoted judgement that these so called “conservative moralists” are shamelessly parading around in public, the only true judge of behavior is history. And how will history view these unapologetic hate mongers? The same way history views Governor George Wallace, as a bigot. A joke. As a disgusting speed-bump on the way to progress and a stain on the American flag. And until we learn that discriminating against people because of their sexual orientation is just as bad as discriminating against their religion or race, and until we learn that allowing politicians to speak out against gay marriage in public is as bad as George Wallace claiming “segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever,” we will never move forward and be the free America we have the potential to be. How many times can we allow our past to creep up and force us to make the same mistakes over and over again? The mistake is assuming that freedom only applies to certain people. Freedom means freedom for everyone. It is not selective. Freedom is all encompassing. Freedom belongs to all Americans, not just those with white skin and heterosexual mates. I thought we learned that a long time ago. Apparently we need a refresher course.

But, the news today isn’t all bad. For the first time in our history, a majority of Americans now support gay marriage. It’s time for the politicians in this country who supposedly represent the interest of the people to jump on board the ship. And for those of us already on, we should feel honored to have Mayor Michael Bloomberg on our side. It’s nice to see at least one politician who gets it. Hats off to the biggest balls in New York.

The truth is: I hate myself for even considering writing about this. I hate that the media is even covering this. I especially hate that Harold Camping has enough money and “influence” to perpetuate something like this. I guess because I’m filled with all of this hate, I must be some kind of sinner and I’m probably going to hell when Jesus comes back and takes his “flock” with him to some sort of Fantasy Island situation minus Tattoo.

Lucky for me, none of that non-sense is even close to being true, so I can exhale. What am I bothering on about?

In case you hadn’t heard, there has been a ridiculous movement going on in the American south…

Wait a minute? It’s in California? Not the south? Are you sure? Well, who are we kidding? California is full of morons too, and one of them cheated on a Kennedy. So, let me start over.

In case you hadn’t heard, there has been a ridiculous movement going on in America that claims that the Christian Rapture is going to take place on May 21st, 2011, with the real end of the world eventually coming 5 months later to the day. This so called “information” was first brought to light by Harold Camping, a Christian Radio host who used some sort of pretend math that he figured out based on Jewish eating habits, or whatever methods he says he uses and that he somehow figured out that these exact dates are when these horrible atrocity’s are going to occur. Although being a “true” Christian, he isn’t afraid of the Rapture. In-fact, he’s excited! Why? Because while all of us are going to cease to exist, he and the 3% of the population who follow this kind of crazy dogma will fly up to heaven with Jesus on some sort of white horse, leaving this bad old world behind. This all seems pretty scary for us, admittedly, but it all seems really well and good for Mr. Camping, doesn’t it? Oh, except for the little fact that none of this is even REMOTELY going to happen. Phew! I feel so much better now.

First of all, I’m just going to come out and say it: there is no heaven. If you actually believe that after you die your soul will be lifted up to a cloud palace with God, Ronald Reagan, Jesus, Donald Rumsfeld’s lizard grandparents, and whoever else you think might be there, I’m sorry to admit it but you have a serious delusion going on in your head. Do you want to know what happens when you die? You die. I’m sorry. You’re not going to meet Grammy again, or get to play with your old dogs. Death is sad and tragic, but it’s nothing more than the end of life. I know the idea of heaven is a comforting one, but is it really realistic and sane? Sorry but that’s a big n-o.

If you’ve spent your life attempting to live a lifestyle to get to a better place after you die, you’ve WASTED YOUR LIFE. Now, there is nothing wrong with living a good life, everyone should, but if the only reason you’re living a good life is to be able to go to some mythical land after you die, you’re missing the whole point. You don’t need a book to tell you how to live morally. Morals do not come from religion, religion highjacked man’s innate morality many years ago when MEN wrote the bible. That’s right. The bible was written by men, men who left things out, and didn’t even get all the facts right (Jesus’ immaculate conception isn’t even mentioned in all of the gospels! Weren’t there any content editors in those days to make sure they got all of their stories straight?) And hey, if you don’t want to believe me, believe robot-voiced genius Stephen Hawking. Anyway, back to this stupid, childish doomsday business.

Second of all, Harold Camping has predicted the end of the world before. He thought the world would end on September 27, 1994. Then, when nothing happened, he was sure this time it would end on the 29th of September of the same year. Oh shit! Nothing happened, so Harold finally decided on Oct 2nd, 1997. That for sure would be the day the world would end! What’s that? He’s wrong again? WOW! Those must have been a stressful few days! What a drag it must have been for Harold to wake up everyday. But wait, he’d finally figured it out. The world would surely end on March 31st, 1995, just after my seventh birthday. Well, here it is, and I’m 23 and guess what? The world hasn’t ended (although if he were predicting the date of Selena‘s death, he’d have been eerily correct. Maybe latin pop music IS his world and he’s just super misunderstood? If I were Marc Anthony, I’d make sure my affairs were in order). After that last mistake, Harold Camping decided he was going to stop setting dates for the world to end. Apparently his Alzheimer’s is kicking in, because here he is again setting dates for the end of the world. And you know what’s going to happen on Saturday. Absolutely nothing. The fact that people are even giving this bozo and his stupid predictions any credence whatsoever is a shame and an annoying side effect of the power of our in your face, 24 hour, scare-obsessed media.

Even if you believe in this bible mumbo jumbo, there is just no possible way you could believe in Harold Camping and his purple crayon, I mean his doomsday prediction. Perhaps if you read your own book you’d see that Matthew 24:36 states that: “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” So, it shows that even in your own book they say that Harold Camping is an idiot. Although let’s be honest, religious zealots actually knowing what they’re talking about or believe in is hardly a common thing. If you actually believe in what Jesus said and who Jesus was, and you think that he’d ever bring about suffering to people who didn’t believe in him, you know nothing about the man whom you idolize. Jesus was perhaps the most forgiving and pure hearted literary character mankind has ever known, and his reputation is constantly tarnished by fools, soothsayers and carnival barkers who use his name to try and justify bullshit end of the world claims. If I were a believer, I would be ashamed in Harold Camping and the acclaim he’s receiving.

The real issue here is our obsession with doomsday and the end of the world. The world will never just end, it’s not going to happen. There will never be a “Judgment Day” or a “Rapture” because those are man made ideas, and bad ones at that. Sure, we know that in about a billion years the sun is going to burn out and mankind as a whole is going to be fucked, but chances are we’re not even going to make it that far, just ask Zager and Evans. The scary thing, is if you’re religious, you want the world to end. You want the messiah to come back and whisk you and your egotistical believers up to heaven, and leave the rest of us to burn in some sort of fire and brimstone scene from an Earthworm Jim video game level. So here is a huge majority of people in this world who want the world to end, just so they can go to some fantasy after life that they don’t even know exists. This belief has also even shaped some of our foreign policy as a country! What is wrong with us as human beings that we are fascinated by, and want to bring about our own demise?

Leave it to two of my literary heroes, Chuck Palahniuk and Jeff Tweedy to really sum it all up. Chuck brilliantly said “every generation wants to be the last.” and he couldn’t be more correct. We’re so egotistical, we think we’re the be all end all, and that what is happening during our lifetime is the worst things have ever been. What could be more egotistical than thinking you are the final incarnation of humanity? We make me sick.

And Jeff? Jeff perhaps said it the best. “Come on children, you’re acting like children. Every generation thinks it’s the end of the world. All you fat followers get fit fast. Every generation thinks it’s the last, thinks it’s the end of the world.” And he too, couldn’t be more right. We’re fat. We’re stupid, and we’re all just waiting to die. Could we be any more pathetic? The one thing I can’t wait to see is pictures of people taking down those billboards on Sunday the 22nd. It’s just like taking down a circus tent, but nobody had any fun.

I don’t care anymore.