Three is a Magic Number

by Gabe Downey

Sometimes when I sit down to write a piece for From The Looney Bin, I have a couple of ideas in mind and I’m not sure which one should take precedence. Today is one of those days. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of great topics out there to which I’d love to talk about, but sometimes you have to choose just one. And although there have been many floating around my proverbial stream of consciousness today, I believe I’ve narrowed down the choice to three:

1. Dr. Jack Kevorkian died. I could write about this for several reasons, the most important being his message. I was a fan of Dr. Kevorkian, and even though he was eccentric, I think the message that he carried and the debate the he brought to the public consciousness is one that we cannot and must not ignore. A person in suffering’s right to end their own life is just that, a fundamental right. No governing body should be able to legislate pain and suffering, and tell us what we can or can’t do with our own lives. What’s interesting about this issue, is that it divides people’s political beliefs and personal beliefs, which so often fall directly hand in hand. Conservative people whom believe government shouldn’t have power over our personal lives, cannot justify telling private citizens what they can and can’t do medically. However, people who believe in life being sacred or all that other religious mumbo jumbo believe that our lives are not our own to be taking. What an interesting quandary this causes! Lucky for us, we had Jack to show us the way. And he may not have done it especially gracefully, or with complete carful consideration, but he did it with purpose and passion and ignited within the general public an understanding of what is right, and what is wrong. It is our duty now to see that his dreams come to fruition and to do everything we can to aid in the relief of the suffering of our fellow man, even if that means giving them the means to make what is perhaps the biggest decision they will ever face. The decision should be theirs, not ours.

2. I really try never to talk about Sarah Palin. Even if you look back through these blog posts (and why not? You’ve got the time!) she is never somebody I tend to bring up, with a few exceptions. Why, you ask, don’t I bring Sarah Palin up? Because I think the entire idea behind Sarah Palin and the media frenzy surrounding her is insulting. I think the fact that there is even CONSIDERATION of her holding any political office in this country is an absolute insult to intelligent, free thinking people everywhere. She represents something we should abhor in this country, which is the choice to be ignorant. Sarah Palin is purposefully ignorant. And instead of doing what she can to better herself and her knowledge base, she selfishly and deliberately parades her and her cavalcade of imbeciles she calls a support staff out in front of the American people, and insults the history and importance of the office of the President of the United States by thinking that even for one second she has the skills to do the job, or somehow deserves to be there. It is ASTOUNDING that she is even considered a news-maker and I find it to be as offensive as anything in this world that she is constantly and without mercy, shoved in our collective faces.

…that being said here is a video of her attempting to explain Paul Revere.

I’ll give you a moment for your face to un-wince. Have you ever seen anything more pathetic? Have you ever been so offended that a person of this obvious low level of BASIC United States history feels she has the qualifications and capabilities to tell you and your fellow citizens what to do? If that video did not disgust and anger you to a point where you’re pretty sure you just saw steam coming from out of your ears, then maybe you should try voting for her and seeing what this world becomes. I know it’s hard to imagine a shit-hole bigger than the one we’re living in now, but trust me, things could get really worse. Lucky for me, and the rest of the world, she is an absolute non-factor. An embarrassment? Sure. But more importantly, a joke, a stain on the United States flag. But luckily, stains, like fads, fade away. And in time she will be remembered for only the comic relief she provided, and for that, we (and she) should be grateful.

3. But Dr. Kevorkian and Sarah Palin aside (sorry to mention you in the same breath as her, Jack), there is one thing I really want to talk about and that is the Hoveround.

First of all, until I was watching “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” with some friends at 2am last night, I wasn’t even aware that they were still selling these things. But, lo and behold, there were Bernice and Joy, dangerously close to the edge of the Grand Canyon, with the powerful, wind blowing propeller blades of a helicopter mere inches from the white hair of these suddenly independent seniors. A soothing voiced narrator screams over the sound of the helicopter blades, just spinning slow enough as to not force these two off balance ladies over the edge, “Hey! Bernice and Joy, tell everyone which power wheelchair got you to the grand canyon?” and of course Bernice and Joy bring their wrinkled hands to their mouths, exclaiming “Hoveround” in a voice that seems so much more out of panic than it is celebration. In fact, I’m convinced they are actually saying “Help us now! Some dangerous personal motor vehicle company has kidnapped us from our families and put us on the edge of one of the scariest cliffs known to man. And, instead of just filming us with a steadicam, they figured it was a GREAT idea to fly a helicopter above us.” I think the rest was just drowned out.

Outside of Bernice and Joy’s dangerous trip to the edge of eternity, the Hoveround makes bold claims like opening up the world to folks who might not have been able to see it when confined to a normal wheelchair, and also making them less of a hassle because of their new power wheelchair. This is all of course a bold-faced lie. The Hoveround ends up making grandma so much more of a hassle, because now when the family wants to go to the zoo, she no longer has the easily collapsible wheelchair that weights 7 pounds and can be folded up nicely to fit in the trunk. No. Now her son in law hates her even more because she’s got this mammoth motor vehicle for him to lift every time she needs to run out for another gallon of milk. “Do you want me to just pick it up for you while I’m at the store, Mom?” ”No Junior! I want to see the world! The salesman promised me the world!” Fuck you, salesman. Way to ruin my Sunday.

Well, of course Bernice and Joy never end up seeing any more of the world, because the Hoveround makes absolutely nothing more accessible. Actually, the need for constantly being around a power outlet for charging purposes makes things SO much more burdensome. They end up seeing the same things they’ve always seen, like the kitchen, the bathroom, and their son’s back yard on summer holidays. Except, this time, instead of taking a nice comfortable seat on the deck, they’re stuck in the grass and mud, burning out the engine on this $15,000 cousin of a Segway, ruining the afternoon and scaring the neighbor children all because they wanted to selfishly see the god-damn grand canyon. I’ve got a cost saving plan. Why don’t I pull down my pants and I’ll show you a crack like you’ve never seen before? Then, after you finish screaming, you can use your Grabber (which you got as their free gift) to help me navigate pulling my boxer briefs back up to their comfortable position. Then we’ll both suck on horehound flavored candies until the dinner bell rings at 4:45, and we spend the evening hours feeding each other mush.

I think perhaps the most hilarity to come out of the Hoveround is that the man behind the phenomenon is named Tom Kruse. HAHA! God, I wish I’d made that up. But I didn’t. Life is so much more fun when everything is a joke.

So, there we have it, folks. We may have lost an inspiring figure in Dr. Kevorkian, but at least we gained another reason to discredit an embarrassment of a human being, maybe once and for all removing her from our public consciousness. Perhaps what is most interesting in comparing these two media obsessions is that the enormity of what she lacks in intelligence, common sense, knowledge and point, Jack showed us a surplus of tenfold in his morality, sincerity, passion and purpose. There is a lesson to be learned here from both of them, but you’ll have to figure it out on your own because I’M GOING TO THE GRAND CANYON! SEE YA SUCKAS!