The World is Ending Tomorrow? Shit! I’m Gonna Miss Oprah’s Last Show!

by Gabe Downey

The truth is: I hate myself for even considering writing about this. I hate that the media is even covering this. I especially hate that Harold Camping has enough money and “influence” to perpetuate something like this. I guess because I’m filled with all of this hate, I must be some kind of sinner and I’m probably going to hell when Jesus comes back and takes his “flock” with him to some sort of Fantasy Island situation minus Tattoo.

Lucky for me, none of that non-sense is even close to being true, so I can exhale. What am I bothering on about?

In case you hadn’t heard, there has been a ridiculous movement going on in the American south…

Wait a minute? It’s in California? Not the south? Are you sure? Well, who are we kidding? California is full of morons too, and one of them cheated on a Kennedy. So, let me start over.

In case you hadn’t heard, there has been a ridiculous movement going on in America that claims that the Christian Rapture is going to take place on May 21st, 2011, with the real end of the world eventually coming 5 months later to the day. This so called “information” was first brought to light by Harold Camping, a Christian Radio host who used some sort of pretend math that he figured out based on Jewish eating habits, or whatever methods he says he uses and that he somehow figured out that these exact dates are when these horrible atrocity’s are going to occur. Although being a “true” Christian, he isn’t afraid of the Rapture. In-fact, he’s excited! Why? Because while all of us are going to cease to exist, he and the 3% of the population who follow this kind of crazy dogma will fly up to heaven with Jesus on some sort of white horse, leaving this bad old world behind. This all seems pretty scary for us, admittedly, but it all seems really well and good for Mr. Camping, doesn’t it? Oh, except for the little fact that none of this is even REMOTELY going to happen. Phew! I feel so much better now.

First of all, I’m just going to come out and say it: there is no heaven. If you actually believe that after you die your soul will be lifted up to a cloud palace with God, Ronald Reagan, Jesus, Donald Rumsfeld’s lizard grandparents, and whoever else you think might be there, I’m sorry to admit it but you have a serious delusion going on in your head. Do you want to know what happens when you die? You die. I’m sorry. You’re not going to meet Grammy again, or get to play with your old dogs. Death is sad and tragic, but it’s nothing more than the end of life. I know the idea of heaven is a comforting one, but is it really realistic and sane? Sorry but that’s a big n-o.

If you’ve spent your life attempting to live a lifestyle to get to a better place after you die, you’ve WASTED YOUR LIFE. Now, there is nothing wrong with living a good life, everyone should, but if the only reason you’re living a good life is to be able to go to some mythical land after you die, you’re missing the whole point. You don’t need a book to tell you how to live morally. Morals do not come from religion, religion highjacked man’s innate morality many years ago when MEN wrote the bible. That’s right. The bible was written by men, men who left things out, and didn’t even get all the facts right (Jesus’ immaculate conception isn’t even mentioned in all of the gospels! Weren’t there any content editors in those days to make sure they got all of their stories straight?) And hey, if you don’t want to believe me, believe robot-voiced genius Stephen Hawking. Anyway, back to this stupid, childish doomsday business.

Second of all, Harold Camping has predicted the end of the world before. He thought the world would end on September 27, 1994. Then, when nothing happened, he was sure this time it would end on the 29th of September of the same year. Oh shit! Nothing happened, so Harold finally decided on Oct 2nd, 1997. That for sure would be the day the world would end! What’s that? He’s wrong again? WOW! Those must have been a stressful few days! What a drag it must have been for Harold to wake up everyday. But wait, he’d finally figured it out. The world would surely end on March 31st, 1995, just after my seventh birthday. Well, here it is, and I’m 23 and guess what? The world hasn’t ended (although if he were predicting the date of Selena‘s death, he’d have been eerily correct. Maybe latin pop music IS his world and he’s just super misunderstood? If I were Marc Anthony, I’d make sure my affairs were in order). After that last mistake, Harold Camping decided he was going to stop setting dates for the world to end. Apparently his Alzheimer’s is kicking in, because here he is again setting dates for the end of the world. And you know what’s going to happen on Saturday. Absolutely nothing. The fact that people are even giving this bozo and his stupid predictions any credence whatsoever is a shame and an annoying side effect of the power of our in your face, 24 hour, scare-obsessed media.

Even if you believe in this bible mumbo jumbo, there is just no possible way you could believe in Harold Camping and his purple crayon, I mean his doomsday prediction. Perhaps if you read your own book you’d see that Matthew 24:36 states that: “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” So, it shows that even in your own book they say that Harold Camping is an idiot. Although let’s be honest, religious zealots actually knowing what they’re talking about or believe in is hardly a common thing. If you actually believe in what Jesus said and who Jesus was, and you think that he’d ever bring about suffering to people who didn’t believe in him, you know nothing about the man whom you idolize. Jesus was perhaps the most forgiving and pure hearted literary character mankind has ever known, and his reputation is constantly tarnished by fools, soothsayers and carnival barkers who use his name to try and justify bullshit end of the world claims. If I were a believer, I would be ashamed in Harold Camping and the acclaim he’s receiving.

The real issue here is our obsession with doomsday and the end of the world. The world will never just end, it’s not going to happen. There will never be a “Judgment Day” or a “Rapture” because those are man made ideas, and bad ones at that. Sure, we know that in about a billion years the sun is going to burn out and mankind as a whole is going to be fucked, but chances are we’re not even going to make it that far, just ask Zager and Evans. The scary thing, is if you’re religious, you want the world to end. You want the messiah to come back and whisk you and your egotistical believers up to heaven, and leave the rest of us to burn in some sort of fire and brimstone scene from an Earthworm Jim video game level. So here is a huge majority of people in this world who want the world to end, just so they can go to some fantasy after life that they don’t even know exists. This belief has also even shaped some of our foreign policy as a country! What is wrong with us as human beings that we are fascinated by, and want to bring about our own demise?

Leave it to two of my literary heroes, Chuck Palahniuk and Jeff Tweedy to really sum it all up. Chuck brilliantly said “every generation wants to be the last.” and he couldn’t be more correct. We’re so egotistical, we think we’re the be all end all, and that what is happening during our lifetime is the worst things have ever been. What could be more egotistical than thinking you are the final incarnation of humanity? We make me sick.

And Jeff? Jeff perhaps said it the best. “Come on children, you’re acting like children. Every generation thinks it’s the end of the world. All you fat followers get fit fast. Every generation thinks it’s the last, thinks it’s the end of the world.” And he too, couldn’t be more right. We’re fat. We’re stupid, and we’re all just waiting to die. Could we be any more pathetic? The one thing I can’t wait to see is pictures of people taking down those billboards on Sunday the 22nd. It’s just like taking down a circus tent, but nobody had any fun.

I don’t care anymore.