by Gabe Downey (Pisces)
Good news, my fellow low life rejects! It’s time for yet another edition of my mystical, magical, completely scientific and never wrong or imaginary or ridiculous horoscopes, for the date of Thursday June 25th, 2009.
Aries:
Today your entire social experience will consist of listening to “Kermit Unpigged” and pretending like Rizzo the rat is actually talking to you and not George Benson. You’ll be really amazed when tomorrow morning upon waking up, you find rat fur collecting around your pubic bone and a half eaten piece of cheese strategically placed on your taint. Worry not friend, he was very gentle.
Taurus:
That slight pain you’ve been feeling in your Fallopian tube will turn out to be nothing more than a cyst that consists of dead cells and a half eaten Perrywinkle Blue Crayola Crayon you ate on a dare in 1978 at vacation bible camp. That holy water you used to wash the nasty taste of wax out of your mouth actually consisted of the tears of 1000 victims of sexual child abuse by their trusted priests. By dislodging this cyst, you will shake out the remaing holy water trapped inside your female reproductive organs. Not to worry though, this whole episode will be over in time for the premier of your much anticipated one-person stage show, “A Tribute to Bud from Married with Children”. However I should warn you to take note of your past: Remember the water doodies the Crayon gave you upon consumption? They will return. Worry not though, while water doodies are frequent and uncomfortable, they always clean up easy!
Gemini:
Today you will notice the man sitting next to you on the greyhound hasn’t breathed for the past 45 miles. Oddly enough he keeps shaking his leg like he has to make wee-wee, but pay no mind. This is actually the fast acting symptoms of rigger-mortis and should be immediately reported to the bus driver who will continue eating her peanut butter and jelly sandwich and scratching that disgusting sore that has pretty much by now taken over her neck. You, being the astute observer of human kind that you are, will notice that puss has traveled from her sore all the way to the change dish, and you will not collect your $.35 change for the ride. You will then be charged for murder of your neighboring passenger who happened to be a Navy Seal who could scale a mountain but couldn’t quit figure out how to keep breathing after seeing that viral picture of Vanessa Hudgen’s no-no spot. Luckily for you, your I-Phone 3Gs has a free data plan, so you can check out that picture too (before Bruno puts his penis in your butt)!
Cancer:
Today, in a weird sick twist of fate, you will actually develop Cancer, the disease to match your astrological sign. Not to worry because this is a new form of non-Hodgkins nymphomaniac lymphoma which can easily be cured by wrapping the affected part of your body in nothing but Fruit by the Foot. You will check your cabinet and the local Kroger and will be devastated to find they only have Fruit Roll-ups left in stock and they all have the peel outs of random dollars bills and cents. Luckily, this can also be treated by bathing yourself in bagged cereal (the kind on the bottom shelf of the cereal aisle) and Wal-Mart imitation Dr. Pepper aptly called Dr. Thunder. Sit and soak in this mixture until you can figure out the distance between the navel and mouth of a good for nothing, egotistical bitch machine and then the reason as to why John Gosselin decided to marry her. Bonus points if you can name all 8 children and the years of therapy each one will need to make up for such a ridiculous upbringing.
Leo:
Today, the term “cock-a-doodle-doo” will take on a completely different meaning when you see a well meaning Eastern European business man drawing a picture of animal feces with only his penis. How does he balance that brown Sharpie you ask? Well, that’s a question you should be asking him.
Virgo:
Today, John Bobbit will be the most searched name on Google when the leaning tower of Pisa finally falls over and the little Italian town is left with nothing more than a short little reminder of what once was. Don’t worry Luigi, someone probably just got mad and threw it in a field down the road. We’ll find it, put it back up and things will be back to normal. Except everyone will laugh at you behind your back and assume you aren’t a real man, and they’re right. Smooth move, Ex-lax.
Libra:
Today, your cat will inform you in the form of a limerick that the devil has officially manifested himself in the form a summer concert tour featuring Nickelback, Creed, Kayne West, Daughtry and Dave Matthews Band. Appropriately, this festival which has been titled “Fuck (and not in the good way) Fest” coincides with the Heaven’s Gate revival festival happening in the same back alley somewhere near the Rouge River. If you play your cards right and Saturn moves into it’s fifth stage of clinical depression, you SHOULD be able to provide enough Kool-Aid to rid our entire population of these unique set of morons forever. If you’re unsuccessful, Scott Bakula will spend the rest of eternity poking you in the testies with one of the swords he saved from a 1986 episode of Quantum Leap. Sorry, even Al can’t help you with this one.
Scorpio:
Today, you will realize that your lifelong devotion to Judaism has yielded nothing but a tolerance for Lox, a passion for the word “Oy” and an extreme dislike for anyone who eats Mayonnaise on their corned beef sandwich. Really worth letting a “Mohel” cut off half of your meat pen wasn’t it, Shmul?
Sagittarius:
Remember the movie The Indian in the Cupboard?
Remember the little Indian named Little Bear?
You’ll be disappointed to know that Little Bear was actually played by a Native American actor/rapper who’s stage name happens to be Litefoot and was not really a tiny Indian. Litefoot’s real name however is Gary Paul Davis and he lives in Seattle and raps all over the country. It is unknown how he feels about being locked in a cupboard by a pre-pubescent little boy named Omri. I know I would feel like shit.
Capricorn:
You suck, go fuck yourself. Love, God.
Aquarius:
It will come to your attention that all famous assassins in the history of the United States have gone by their full name (John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, etc) when your new neighbor, Murder Rape McKillington moves in next store and immediately empties his truck of 30 bags of lye and some duffle bags that appear to be full of bowling balls with hair and teeth. Not wanting to appear a snobby neighbor, you offer a welcome to the neighbor hood gift basket consisting of an old patty of Egg Foo Yung and a signed laser disc of the Commodores mid-eighties hit “Nightshift”. Being a giant Lionel Richie fan, he immediately rejects the single calling their post Lionel work blasphemous at best. You respond by stuffing his mouth full of California Raisins and watching his dog attempt to pro-create with a section of shag carpeting for 45 minutes. Impressed with your persuasion tactics, he invites you in for tea (that tastes suspiciously like burning) and a wonderful friendship is born.
That is until he brutally murders you in-front of your kids. Who would have seen that coming, eh?
Pisces:
Today you will look in the mirror and realize you’re still fat and worthless and nobody gives two shits about what you have to say.
Then you’ll realize your show, “The Factor” starts in 5 minutes and you better get ready to go. Fuck it, we’ll do it live!
That’s all for this edition, folks. Stay tuned for the next edition which will happen when I settle the lawsuit I’m about to get from Scott Bakula. Take ‘er easy.
