by Gabe Downey
Here is a quick list of things that have struck me as humorous in the last couple of days:
1. I find it incredibly hilarious that my family owns a Disney themed Menorah. Suck it Walt, you anti-semite you.
2. Today, after spending a couple of minutes flipping through the channels, Brandon and I settled on a show about crazy restaurants on the Travel Channel, or Discovery or something. They were talking about a restaurant called the “Catfish Plantation” in some po-dunk Texas town. This restaurant, according to the people who own it (and probably their desire for financial gain) was haunted by the ghosts of three deceased people. How did they know there are three different ghosts? Through “scientific” exploration and paranormal investigation of course! So, the owner of this hell-hole started telling stories about how ghosts would brew fresh coffee for her in the morning and break wine glasses because she (the ghost) “didn’t approve of alcohol” in her restaurant. Then, they showed hillbilly #1 in the kitchen explaining how they had to move the wine glasses behind a piece of glass so the ghost couldn’t get to them and break them.
…So what you’re telling me is a ghost can figure out how to brew a fresh pot of coffee all by itself in the morning, yet cannot open a glass door to get to the wine glasses it so desperately wants to break? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Here’s the sick part folks: people actually believe this to be true. It’s absolutely amazing to me that these kind of people make it from day to day without a complete breakdown from lack of common sense and problem solving skills. Something falls over when you open a door, how about air pressure change? Lights go on and off by themselves? Boy, the electricity wiring in a house from 1895 probably isn’t perfect. You see, just like people who believe in psychics and most major religions, these people are not willing to use reason and problem solving to explain these everyday occurrences. These aren’t paranormal events, these are just normal things happening to stupid, gullible people. Grow up.
3. Come to think of it, I find it also hilarious that Michael Eisner was ever CEO of Disney.
3.5. I found out that the mother of the boy Michael Jackson is accused of molesting is named Janet Jackson.
4. It’s enough of these preachers and Pentecostal believers “speaking in tongues”. You’re not speaking in tongues, you’re babbling like a 3 year old! How can you wake up in the morning and take yourself seriously? How are you able to live normal, healthy, productive lives when you can’t even speak like an adult? Oh wait, you can’t. Morons. Grow up.
5. It’s clear to me now that every walking penis in the world that has learned to speak and use a microphone, works for the VS network.
6. In nature it’s very prevalent that animals protect their own, meaning giraffes protect giraffes and antelope protect antelope. The strength of the herd is used to help the individual. The same is true for humans and our little groups and sects. Christians protect Christians, liberals protect liberals. So, you have to be pretty horrible to be ousted by those whom are in your group. Which brings me to this statement:
Sorry Gary Bettman, even Jews fucking hate you and think you’re terrible.
There are enough rampant anti-semites in the world (see #1) Gary, please stop giving them more reasons to hate.
Well, that does it for this list. Stay tuned for future nonsense.
p.s. come on Wings!
